ARGH!!!!

ok i wrote such a long post and it didnt get published!! i hate this :s
basically it was about my birth day
and whether its a good day or a bad day!
i mean its not in our control but still..
should we get happy that we got one more year.. and the time to meet our creator is near/.. or should it be depressing that we have lost one more year of life doin nothing :p
hehe i always wonder that..
and then o mentioned a weird dream in which i saw the judgement day or sumthing like that.. n i feel its a warning for me :s
oh god its just so scary
and then i mentioned how my students gave me a surprise bday party and brought me lovely gifts! i just love kids and i love teaching..
n then i also wrote about how i love reading biographies! im reading parveen shakirs biography now a days..
when i was doing MA.. my friends were always busy finding stuff on the texts we were doing.. but i was the one collecting stuff on the authors life :p
and in the end they had to ask me to give the biographies to them :)
i miss those days.

happy birthday? or sad birthday?

ok i didnt come here for a long long time..
i dunno why..
anyway its too cold.. and i dont like to take out my hands from my chadar :D hehe
ok yeah im lazy :p
and then i was kinda

wish i was pretty

i really do.. i dont want to b ungrateful to Allah.. i was never like that. but then ppl change.. circumstances change them. i know that i am much better than many people. and then im not disabled or anything alhamdulillah. but still
and if im not ugly then why am i not loved? that means im not pretty enough.. well im not pretty at all.
i hate myself for talking like that.. i hope Allah forgives me. i duno why but i feel better when i write about my thoughts.. its like im sharing it with some one.
i wish that my heart gets filled with so much love of Allah and imaan.. that i stop caring about love of people.
i just want to be loved
i really do
:(
oh Allah just bring me closer to you. i dont want anything from this wordly life. all my life i wanted to be loved.. and thats the only thing i wasnt able to get.. and neither would i ever get.
i just dont understand one thing.. if we crave for one thing so badly then why cant we get it.. and if we cant get it then why do we crave for it all our life when we know that its just not possible.
why my dear Allah
why

i cant be what i really am!

i have been thinking n thinking about one thing...
from the v beginning.. when i was v small.. i used to think that i'll take care of my husband in every possible way.. but sadly nothing of that sort happened.
i always thought that i'll cook for him.. will do all his work by myself.
i would love to do that. really
and i always wanted to live with my in laws. i like ppl around me. i like talking
but now.. ive changed my mind.. i think husband and wife needs their privacy.. im not saying that i have a problem living with my in laws.. they really take care of me alhamdulillah.,.. but then i cant do anything independently.. like my mother in law runs a hostel.. so the girls eat here as well.. i think atleast 15 girls.. now imagine making food for 15 girls + our family.. so it just puts one off.. and then they have a maid to do such stuff.. even if i want to ook sumthing.. id have to think about it a hundred times.. all of them have differenct choice.. and they ALL comment on how the food is cooked.. so yeah basically im a coward.. i wish i could cook. i remember before i got married i used to take cooking classes.. i had so many plans.. but none of them worked.
i think that is why islam prefers if the couple moves away.
atleast for sometime.. i duno
or if they dont.. they should have complete privacy in such things
====
oh i just read my last post.. for sum reason its not complete! i was just saying that i had a few holidays left but still i came back to islamabad.. one of the reasons being.. i didnt want to travel alone in daewoo.. cuz of what happened with me last time..n i didnt tell anyone about it.. cuz if i do.. i know i wont b allowed to travel alone! so i had no other choice.. and now im missing lhr (people) badly!!!

err no good qualities :S

oh well!
we went out for dinner today.. my SIL's fiance invited us. so we went out with my sil and her fiance and another sil and her husband :) it was good.
so my sils husband was asking us different questions.. i think he was doing it for the couple who is getting married soon. but it wasnt appropriate to ask questions from them only.. so everybody had to participate.. hehe
so one of the questions that he asked was: ur one good quality and one bad quality
i was supposed to be the second person to answer it.. i thought about it.. hehe thought of many bad qualities but couldnt think of any good qualities. so i said "nah i dont wana answer".. i didnt want them to think that im being humble or sumthing :p cuz i wasnt.. just that i really dont know any of my good qualities. so he said.. ok we'll ask ure husband then.. he was asked.
hehe so he said she worries a lot and she gets scared easily.. n when he was asked to tell any of my good qualities. he couldnt think of any! well i dont blame him for that.. i really dont :p cuz i have been thinking hard n i really cant think of any.. depressing yes.
one of the other questions that he asked was "ure alone on an island.. nobodys there and u see a pco there and u can only make one call.. who would u call?"
i thought about it.. i wasnt supposed to call sumbody whom i care about.. cuz i would be the one in trouble.. hehe so i was supposed to make a call to sumbody who cares about me and sumbody who could take me out of this problem. i just answered "i'll call home".. i lied :)
i had no other choice.. i couldnt say "i dont know" or "i dont wana answer" lol.. cuz that would have sounded rude..
the thing is. i dont know any single person who would really get worried if im left alone on an island. well ppl say that parents worry for their kids.. no matter what. i thought about it n i knew my father would have done sumthing for me.. even my mother.. BUT then they would have worried so much.. that i wouldnt really want to bother them.. hehe and specially now that i know my fathers sugar is getting higher n higher..he takes too much tension.. n i dont wana add to his tension.. so basically i would be left alone there. which is depressing again.
enough of this depressing stuff...
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i'll talk about good stuff now.
we went to lhr for eid. it was really nice. spent time with my family. in my family everybody sits together and talks.. about anything! if they are busy in day time.. all of them sit together in the evening and its good.
well im really thankful to my MIL who allowed us to go to lahore for eid. i didnt know that she would allow us :) n im glad that my husband took me to lahore! really very nice of him..
oh well i still have a few holidays left but im back in isb.. n now im missing them badly. (oops no depressing talk! :p)
so i guess i better stop talking..
ok one more thing.. i dont want t